It all began after I’ve decided to leave my job. I was tired of working on a 9 to 5 job. I was feeling that my life happens only on the weekends or holidays. I just thought there has to be something important out there for me.
Even now, I don’t know how I have found the courage to let go of the certainty of a job and just go into the unknown.
All I knew was that I wanted to do something different, meaningful and to help other people.
Pretty soon the reality hit me where I could feel it. No more money to spend and the voice of every person in my life asking me what I’m going to do next. The truth was, I didn’t know what I was going to do.
I was in bad shape. I was not eating, showering, wanting to get out of the house and I was aggressive, arguing with everyone.
Before I knew it, I was a person whose life had been swallowed up by anxiety and depression. I had nothing to show for that life.
Until the day I got sick and stayed in bed for 3 days in pain. In the second night, at 3 am standing at the edge of my bed and crying, I had the realization that all my thoughts were negative. Thoughts about everyone, including myself.
Instantly I knew that my thoughts don’t equal reality. The problem was I couldn’t change them. I was in a vicious cycle. Didn’t knew what to do to release the pain I was feeling. All I wanted was to do something to get better fast.
I was scared. I thought I was going to die if I continue in that state.
I don’t even know how to explain, but the answer just came to me – you need to start meditating I heard. Exactly what I did.
The funny part is that all I knew about meditation at that moment were the things I’ve seen in movies. People staying in a cross-legged position with their eyes closed and their palms on their knees. How hard can it be, I said to myself. This is going to save you. Well, I couldn’t do it. My body was stuck. My back was killing me. And, if it wasn’t about the pain in my back, it was about falling asleep.
Something is missing, I said to myself. Alexandra, use your intelligence – what do you need to do now?
Again, the answer came – you need to start doing yoga. You need to move your body.
Strange, I know. But, for the first time in my life, I was following my intuition. I don’t even recall someone from my closest friends doing yoga at that time.
So, I opened the first youtube channel I could find and started doing yoga in my bedroom, with the curtains off, because I didn’t want anybody to see me. Besides my boyfriend, of course, there was nobody there. I was the one hiding from.
I hated it in the beginning. Every inch of my body was in pain. I was not able to touch my toes. My knees were stuck. Me, the one who practiced fencing for 7 years. I even hated the girl from the youtube channel. All because I was in pain.
It was time to get back in business. I’ve been neglected my body for too much time. It was time to make a new commitment to myself.
Following my intuition for the first time in my life, felt unusual. It was like someone invisible tells me what to do and I follow the guidance without asking any questions. That was definitely something new in my life. But, I was scared to death. I would just grab anything to get out of that state.
It took me 5 days and 20 – 30 minutes of daily yoga to feel happy again.
I loved the fact that I was happy. I haven’t felt that emotion in a long time. Seeing the first positive result, I felt confident enough to start a 90 days yoga challenge at home. Best decision ever. Honestly. It took me out of depression. I was feeling inspired by my own story. After only 90 days, I was a different person.
All I knew at that point was that yoga works, but I didn’t know why. So, out of pure curiosity, I joined a teacher training course to understand why yoga is playing such a big role in my life.
Of course, I had months after in which I’ve reflected over different aspects of my life. Literally, I sat on my sofa, looking at the ceiling and questioning myself about what’s working and what’s not working in my life. Asking myself daily – who am I? Is this me or my ego?
I even set up a new beliefs system.
I knew during that period of my life that I was going to pursue my love for yoga, even though I didn’t know what that would look like. To be fair, it took me a while to seriously get started, but I’m so glad I did. Even writing this story right now is part of the process.
Ever since I felt the calling to lead and teach.
Sharing this part of my story is not the easiest thing I’ve ever done. But, that just tells me how important it is to share. We live in a society where everybody puts up only the best story on social media. Our darkness stays hidden. We suffer alone. But, when we bring it into the light, pure magic happens. We heal.
Maybe you are reading this and see a reflection of a part of your own story inside of mine. Maybe today is the day you shift your perception and, instead of feeling shame around it, you own it as part of your truth for the sake of your own healing.
Here’s the thing: those cracks are what let the light in, baby.
Love and light,